Judgments of Others
How many of us, in difficult situations, like loving someone with addictions, fall into judging? I know I have, many times. We judge our spouses, our children, our parents, even ourselves.
Making judgments is so human. We see something, and almost instinctively, we label it good or bad. But while discernment is necessary, we are not called to sit in judgment over another person’s heart. Especially when we love someone with addictions, it is easy to think: If only he would stop drinking. If only she would stop using. If they would just do this or that, things would be better. We judge them for hurting us and others.
Recently, while reading Divine Intimacy, I was struck by this truth: we will be judged as we judge others. That hit me hard. The book went on to remind me that we never truly know another’s motives, their struggles, or even the hidden battles of their heart. We do not know if they’ve already been to confession, pouring out their sorrow before God. We don’t know how grace may already be at work in them.
Instead of clinging to the harm done to us, or to the narrative we’ve built around their failures, Christ calls us to look for the good. Even just one small morsel of good can be brought into the light. I fail at this over and over. But I also know I need to keep trying: to keep looking, to keep asking Christ to help me see others as He sees them.
And part of that means turning inward too, asking, How can I be better? Sometimes the very fault I condemn in another is a fault I myself struggle with in a different way.
When it comes to addiction, we need to remember: the person we love is often already buried under self-judgment. No matter how it looks on the surface, deep down, they don’t love themselves. Addiction breeds guilt and shame, and their only escape seems to be the very thing that harms them most. Which, of course, just drives them deeper into despair.
As their loved ones, our role is not to heap on more judgment. Instead, we can strive to speak life, to offer grace, and to mirror Christ’s mercy—even when it is not received perfectly. That doesn’t mean ignoring boundaries, but it does mean choosing words and actions that build up rather than tear down.
Some small ways to do this:
- Affirmation
- notice and name even a small step in the right direction.
- Affirm something true about who they are.
- Focus affirmations on their identity and effort, not the addiction.
- “I see the good in you, even when things are hard.”
- “You are more than your addiction; you are God’s beloved child.”
- “I love you, and I believe God has a plan for you.”
- I’m proud of the times you show courage, even in small steps.”
- “I notice when you try, and I am grateful for it.”
- Gestures of love: a simple note, a card, or an act of thoughtfulness.
- Listen without fixing: Sometimes just hearing them out with gentleness shows love.
- Celebrate the small wins: If they make a healthier choice, no matter how small, acknowledge it.
- Respect their dignity: Simple things, like asking their opinion, inviting them into family activities, remind them they belong. As long as it is safe.
- Offer presence: Sitting together for a meal, a walk, or even just coffee, without making it about the addiction.
- Spiritual Support
- Pray with them if they are open to it.
- Ask a saint’s intercession silently while with them (St. Monica is powerful)
- Place them under Mary’s mantle; sometimes just a quiet Hail Mary is all that is needed.
- Offer your own suffering in union with Christ’s
- Boundaries with love
- “I love you too much to support this choice.”
- “I’m here for you, but I can’t participate in anything that harms you.”
- “ I believe in you, and I also need ot keep myself and our family safe.”
- “I love you, but I can not allow you to speak to me this way, so I am ending this conversation.”
Because when we see them as Christ sees them, we are reminded: He also sees us with the same mercy and love—even in our sins and failings. And it is that grace which carries us both.
When I am tempted to judge my loved one, I try to remember these words: “Stop judging, that you may not be judged” (Mt 7:1).